Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my son and adore my family. However, there have been very few things in life that have changed my personality quite like motherhood has. I had my son later in life, exactly when I thought I had it all figured out. I considered myself successful and was able to accomplish several quite challenging goals I set out for myself. I graduated from college with honors and subsequently created a quite established business for almost 16 years of my life. Forever the type A, I was always seeking out goal after goal to meet.
Then came my son, and I was left staring at the wall gathering the pieces of what I once considered a well put together and accomplished personality. I quickly realized I didn't know diddly squat about life. Nothing belonged to me anymore, not even my time.
My son has an ASD diagnosis with a very likely oppositional defiant disorder we are currently working to diagnose. He is literally the polar opposite of my personality. Forever daring, courageous, explorative, argumentative, and finds the most pleasure and goofiness reveling in the reactions of those he incessantly annoys around him. He is generally a very happy boy with an indestructible temperament. Nothing and I mean nothing will intimidate his 5 year old body from backing off of what he deems as right.
Things did not get complicated until he was about 1 and a half. As a baby he was very calm and adapted well to most things. People were always surprised at the level of traveling he was accustomed to. Then little by little I started to lose my freedom. I could no longer go out unless I had someone by my side. His size and tunnel vision made even grocery shopping completely inaccessible. He would go on these endless mental loops where he would engage in whatever activity he found pleasant repetitively for hours. Public meltdown after meltdown as I tried to reason with him. Doors and locks are a huge fixation, everytime we approach one my heart skips a beat. I know if he becomes fixated on it, it will trigger a complete public meltdown.
As he aged things only got more complicated. Now my concerns about his behaviors and personality that were dismissed by so many were becoming very obvious issues in his daily life. My husband and I decided to research and learn the best way to parent this type of
child. Taking in facebook forums, documentaries, book after book etc. Learning to offer choices, and keep a very consistent schedule of rewards and consequences for his behavior. Avoiding the constant fight to do just about every activity in the day.
There are so many days where the mental exhaustion is so much. All I can say to my husband is “I am so tired of the constant fight it takes to take care of him”. People can judge from the outside. Heck, I was one of them. There are things you can’t comprehend until you are in someone else’s shoes. Society sets us up to see a meltdown and assume bad parenting. How can they not control their own children? As if punishment, spanking, and trauma are going to solve the underlying issues.
I have become a patient, creative, and forgiving person. Not just towards others, but also towards myself. Accepting that our lives may not seem normal, but they work for our family. To all of you guys in the same boat. You are not alone. You are amazing parents doing your best in a society that stacked the cards against you. Your hard work is seen and appreciated, and it makes a difference in the world everyday.
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